EXCERPTS
Love Me Black or Love Me White
Abortion. Abortion the day after tomorrow.
Anna tried to let it all sink in, to explain it to herself reasonably,
but she got dizzy thinking about what it meant. She could not imagine
herself actually getting onto the operating table where they would
remove from inside her what had, in the short time of its existence,
become a part not only of her body but of her entire being, changing the
whole manner of her thinking. It was as if she were discovering the
world again for the first time—from a different perspective and
according to new associations. This barely-human little creature in her
body had, through some peculiar magic of its own, become an
inexhaustible fountain of love inside her. Anna desperately yearned to
touch and know it, to verify its existence with her own eyes. It will be very beautiful! Very, very beautiful! She closed her eyes and added, And, of course, as intelligent as Edmund.
She saw in her mind’s eye a tiny brown face framed in dense curls,
ringlets twice the diameter of Edmund’s. A plump, healthy baby with
glowing skin rose before her eyes. “My child!” she whispered, entranced.
Have I gone mad? I am holding in my hand the appointment for the abortion! She thought, waking up out of her reverie. But how can I when I want it so much! Dear God, I want it so much! I beg you, do something! Let me keep my child! She hid her face in her hands. You can do anything. You can change the circumstances. She straightened up, not sure what she was hoping for.
A day passed, the night, another day, and evening came. Nothing had changed.
Tomorrow morning at eight.
She got the papers ready in her handbag, and got into bed.
Tomorrow.
She closed her eyes. In vain, she waited for sleep. Behind the closed blinds, the night was pitch black. Malaika, nakupenda malaika, the melody crooned inside her. A light-brown face was smiling at her, a light shone from behind its curls.
“Don’t!” Anna whispered. She turned on the wall lamp and picked up
the first book that came to hand. She began to turn the pages at random,
her glance barely skimming the chapter-headings. She yawned and turned
off the light. The small brown face reappeared; the light threw arcing
tails of light from behind its curls. What if, after all … but no, it
was impossible. “For an unmarried girl, giving birth is an honor.” Ha-
ha! Only the shame remained of the honor, the stigma of illegitimacy.
And for the mother, lifelong contempt. Mother and father would never be
able to bear it if she … it had never happened in the family. And her
child, in addition, would be brown skinned. The black sheep! The thought stabbed into Anna’s heart. It
will be my child they will hurt and ostracize, my child that will be
the black sheep! This, of all children, this, a bridge between two
worlds, after all, brotherly love will be encoded in its very genes from
day one!
Panic
mixed with dread overcame Anna. “Dear God!” she groaned, annihilated.
She turned on the light to try to rid herself of the thought. She turned
to face the wall and stared at the floral pattern of the wallpaper. One
flower was missing, the green background showing through in its place.
Suddenly, her nose seemed to pick up the scent of baby powder, and she
could almost feel the tight, healthy little body snuggling up against
her as she clasped it to herself.
“My baby!” she whispered
ecstatically. “I will not let them!” She looked at her handbag. “You are
staying with me!” she promised. But how?
a sober voice spoke up inside her. The missing flower in the pattern
caught her eye again; she could only see the green spot now. She turned
off the light, but the spot was imprinted on her eyes; she saw it even
in the dark. “I want my child! It is my right! It is my right, as it is
everyone’s!” Impassioned, she stared into the darkness.
Wives Are Best When Thrashed
